Articles From Our January, 2005 Newsletter
COMING OUT
Our guest speaker this month is George Turner--head of Turner Professional
Group--Kansas City’s premiere counseling and coaching group. George first came
to PFLAG several years ago to "check us out" for his parents.
He is back now to talk with us about "Coming Out" issues and what that might
look like for the individual and then for family and friends. George is a
long-time supporter of pflag and the work that we do--we look forward to his
insight and wisdom. Bring your questions and join the fun at 3pm on January
9th at Village Presbyterian Church, Room 307
NEW SUPPORT GROUP FOR STRAIGHT SPOUSES FORMED
This notice is being sent to all of you to let you know that a support group
for Straight Spouses has been formed for the greater Kansas City Area. So far,
we have had two meetings, one in Nov., and one in Dec. We are associated with
the Straight Spouse Network (SSN). If you would like me to send brochures to
your groups and/or advertise our existence in any of your publications, please
contact me.
Following is the information on our next meeting:
Our next gathering of the Greater KC area SSN will be held at 6:00 PM on
January 10, 2005, at Carrabba's Italian Grill, 10586 Metcalf Lane, Overland
Park, KS, 66212. Their phone is 913-385-7812. Special thanks to Tammy for
organizing this for us.
We will have a private dining room. The average entrée w/salad runs around $15
but pastas are less and steaks are more. Please email me for more info and/or
to let me know you will be attending.
THE BIG EDEN
a movie review by Jamie Lee
This particular FAMILY movie was highly recommended by a fellow pflager and
now I know why. It is not a huge blockbuster and there are no car chases but
it has some incredibly poignant scenes that will resonate with most families.
The central character is an artist living in New York who gets word that his
grandfather has just had a stroke. He travels back to Montana to help his
grandpa convalesce and there is much healing in the process. The scenery is
breathtaking--the dialogue brilliant and the "church lady" hysterical.
What I particularly liked was the fact that anyone of any age (i.e. the entire
family) can sit down and enjoy this together. I don't want to give away any
more of the plot but I give it two thumbs up. I rented it from Blockbuster and
it can be found in the comedy section. Don't let that fool you though--you
might want some kleenex handy.
Torch Song Trilogy on Jan. 7th at the Center
Friday Flicks will resume on Jan. 7th with Torch Song Trilogy.
Torch Song Trilogy is a funny and poignant story of an aging drag queen's
hilarious attempts to find domestic bliss with everyone from a school teacher
to a tolerant young male model. The greatest challenge for Arnold in this
adaptation of Harvey Fierstein's Broadway play is his complicated relationship
with his mother. Starring: Harvey Fierstein, Anne Bancroft, Matthew Broderick,
Brian Kerwin, Karen Young.
Films in January - Mambo Italiano (Jan. 14th), Beautiful Thing (Jan. 21st) and
The Trip (Jan. 28th).
Showtime is 7 p.m. $3 donation. Contact
info@lgcc-kc.org for details.
Because we will be discussing "coming out" issues this month, I thought
this article should be reprinted. Bravo Catherine--I love what you said and
agree wholeheartedly. Jamie Lee
An article by Catherine Tuerk, a PFLAG mom and psychiatric nurse. It appeared
in the Washington Blade on November 12, 2004. Time for parents to come out,
too. You may live in the city, but your family still lives in places like
Ohio. We need their help now especially.
By CATHERINE TUERK
I'M SAD, REALLY SAD. For the first time in 12 years, since my son came out, I
am really scared for gay people, the children of gay people, and the next
generation of GLBT youth. The day after the election, I heard gay marriage
talk everywhere: the radio, TV, newspapers, and on the streets. The bottom
line seems to be, "We have failed to win the hearts and minds of the American
people," as one HRC spokesman said.
With that, I agree. After all this time, it's hard to believe the negative
reaction to gays is still so visceral. But apparently it is. I know we can do
better. As a parent advocate, I know how hard we at PFLAG try to reach your
parents. But we need more of you to help. Now it is imperative. You may live
in the city, but your parents are still living in places like Ohio and
Mississippi. You are coming out all over the place, and at younger and younger
ages. You did your homework, which means reading about, and talking and
mingling with other gay people. You had courage - awe-inspiring courage - you
knew you could be hurt emotionally, spiritually and physically. But you came
out, and it felt good, and honest, and real. And I truly love you for it.
BUT you have let your parents off the hook. Far too many of your parents are
not coming out. When my son came out to me, he gave me info about PFLAG, and
he said, "Do it. If you don't, we will always be on a different page."
It took me a while. It wasn't easy. I cried a lot. I blamed a lot. But I did
it. My son went with his dad and me to our first PFLAG meeting because I did
not want to talk about all of this gay stuff.
But my son would not let me or his father off the hook, and that's a common
scenario with parents at PFLAG. Not enough of your parents are coming out.
They are not doing their part, and neither are enough of your sisters and
brothers; not in the numbers that we need to win the hearts and minds of
people.
Coming out doesn't have to be high drama; it can simply be casual comments.
It's easy. When asked to respond to the election results, a parent can say, "I
have a gay son, so you can probably imagine how upset I am."
Every year at Gay Pride, I ask people, "How are your parents doing?" Every
year, more of you have come out to your parents. The next question is, "Are
they proud of you yet?" The vast majority laugh as though I had asked
something truly absurd.
The next inquiry is, "Are you helping them do their homework so that they,
too, can come out?" Coming out usually means, "I am proud of my kid. He might
not be what I expected, but that does not make him second best." That kind of
attitude change takes work. We saw a lot of confusion from the Cheney family
after John Kerry's reference to their lesbian daughter during the debate.
"It's nobody's business," is almost always about shame, not about privacy. Now
that the campaign is over, I hope the Cheney's continue their homework. Maybe
Mary will help.
AFTER THE FOUR questions, I hear, "I'm out, but we never discuss it," or, "My
parents are fine with me," which all too often means they aren't dealing with
the big picture.
Another frequent comment is, "My parents are not joiners." I understand these
kinds of excuses because we never outgrow the wish for our parents' blessing,
and the fact that they still love you is a lovely and beautiful thing. And you
are grateful, and don't want to do anything to rock the boat. But you are
letting them off the hook. Having pride in their children is a wonderful
thing. Help them get it. It's a win-win situation. It's so much easier to come
out for parents. Few get bashed. But it does take courage, more for some, less
for others. But you had courage, and as they say, "The apple doesn't fall far
from the tree."
Let's win the hearts and minds of some people.
Cut out this article and send it to your family. PFLAG and you can help them.
PFLAG SUPPORTS REAL FAMILY VALUES